Monday, June 21, 2010

Home alone...

Why do I hate being home alone? Why do I get scared? It makes me sad that I can't even have faith in my own home. I mean, "He's got the whole world in His hands..." and I'm worried about myself. It's like I hear noises and start freaking myself out.

For example:
Oh, that delivery man was definitely a killer. He'll be back tonight.
Or, craigslist killer. I did give my address to the girl who never came or called.
Shaz. A serial killer (like Silence of Lambs) is going to come and get me...

I mean, the list goes on and on and gets more and more irrational. It is a running joke that I'm paranoid, and I know to some degree, God made me creative and able to see small details. However, I know that worry does not do any good.

As I'm home tonight (by myself), I think about some other things going on in my life. I think about being around some very sick people recently. I mean, very. These people are able to have faith and not be scared. Yet I am scared in my own home. What will I do when life really storms on me?

About six months ago, as I was talking about what I would do if a person held a gun on me, one of the people in the group (who had recently been mugged at gun point) asked me what I was so afraid of. It made me think. What am I so afraid of? Loss of control? Death? Losing someone I love? I mean, these are sad thoughts for bedtime, but it helps me to put everything in perspective. I need to be able to have peace in the good times (like right now) and the bad.

God, help me remember that you are always watching. No matter how much I allow myself to get freaked out, you are there. Everything is according to your plan.

Sleep tight bloggy friends. Say a prayer for this big baby! Back to school soon!

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